nonething to do nonething to feel just sitting looking around not knowign what to do what to feel where to go what to say just nonething.

well was kind of quite n lots of stuff trow at me today but was ok. I got my homework done for tonite so i am simi ahead of the game.

walking all day walking endlessy walking to the dark walking to the light not knowing where to trun where to stop. letting the cold wind pick my feet looking for rest. walking to drum beat that is life. Endless beats on the ground truning truning no stoping. looking into the glass seeing the world bindly walking walking with out love without faith without knowage walking with hate with blood with greed. Walking walking to the end of line stoping only to lie.

it seems that this year has come n gone with out bother to stay. what will coem of next what will we do for the better what will we do for the worst? will we chage the things we seek to chage in us that we so hold dear n cant let go but know we need to? or will we go forth n make a new day a new life for us and do the things we allwas set out to do the dreams we had set way back in our minds for a later in life. What will we make of the new year a new start a clean fresh time to set things into play to better yourselfs or make things worst or just stale.

I am 23 years ( born 2/14/1986) old i was born a male thou i dont feel liek a male i kind feel some what in the middle of a female and male i am ok with the body i was born in but i am not happy with it same time i am ok with it, i moved out form moms and lived in FL ( Florida ) with one of my HS friends for about 7 mouths this year but tryed to hang my sefl but my belt broke this when i meet Lowri ( my old sl anuty ) she helped me a lot dealing with this and my depression. I lost my job, had very lil food and was going to be homeless. I moved back in with my mom not to long ago. Things with my mom has goten a lil better snice i have moved back where she is starting to trart me some what like an adult where before she treted me liek a 15 year old even thou i was older and became more meuter. I have dyslexia and very bad Eczema. Growing up for me was not the best, i have been made fun and beat up snice i was a kid and thou out my life even in HS and some UNi i have been made fun of. Thou out Mid and HS most ppl thout i was gay thou i have come to think they saw and felt something in me that i wasnt so happy bing a male so they made fun of me it is not i was very girly or anything they just felt and saw something diffternt and not a manly guy so they poked fun at me. When i was 18 i was up and runing to be a UMC pastor but snice droped out and have more or less lost my way with God. I feel a bit confused about who i am gender and other ways as well. I have lied to myself and others for a very long time and have lost friends due to lieing, so i have lost all snice who i am. Only up till Set. have i stop lieing and try to tell everyone the truth. So its been had for me to see myself and face the real me and face the truth and not tell a lie to fit in or for ppl to like me cuse of all hate and dislike i been shown as a kid and grwoing up i lie and show ppl what i think they like so i can fit in and ppl like me thou they liek the fake me and not the real me. So, i been trying my best to show the real me and find the real me its been hard not to go back and lie and hide myesefl, when i look atmyelf i see someone who is a shell of a person and lost and conused and hurting and does not like themeslf and who as a kid thought about thire life truning out one way but ended up not to be and is upset at that and themself for not makeing it that way. I am the younest of 3 kids. My Bro and his wife has a lil kid( she is aobut 8 mouths old) he had lived with mt dad snice he was 10 years old. my sis is in Cal whos hubby is in the marines ,she has been off and on a run away snice she was in her teens. My father and mom been divoed snice i was a baby, he has passed away about 5 years ago. *

i coem up to date i am still livieng with my mom and we have moved to Kentucky where she is goign to school to become a pastor. I have started to see a thpisters face to face and am on few meds for my deression and DID “Dissociative identity disorder” aka MPD “multiple personality disorder”. I aslo will be starting school in oct. I aslo have goten a job on SL that pays real life moeny. They now hae disvoery what my seizures are, they are called non Epileoit seizures.


letter to my mom

i feel so locked in and have to fit the mold you set for me and not do anything for me but what you want me to do in life and if i dont then i will upset you and disapot you. You made this clear to me growing up. From saying that i shouldnt see ppl that are not crhistans and anything i come to you about you say no to and would nto be good then you tell me something that you want me to do and think would be good. If i did anything outside that you fussed at me. You have aslo made me fear and feel shame anythign sexual.

when i was 12 years old i got one of thoese jelly worm toys you see at the mall  and about the 2nd day of haveing you came to me and siad to me its not a good toy to have cuse it feels the same as if someone or yourself is touching your pen. and so you took it away and told me that kidn of touching is worng. You also thought me snice middle school that i sexual feelings is worng and should flee from them and its a sin to act on them and have them outside of a marrige. To be honset i didnt truey know what sex was till about 17. I didnt know how to put on a condam till this year. Becuse i felt so shame to ask or it was wrong to even think about such things and i shouldnt be ask or talking about such things cus its wrong cus you told me such feeligns and thoughts are wrong and should do anything to flee from them and shound know about things.  I do not know why you thougt me this. I do know that you had a talk with sharer about sex and everyhintg count BJs and Dan i think to but with me all you thought me is that haveing sexual feelings and acting on them is wrong and a sin and should flee from them nad shouldnt have them.

Aslo you make me feel that if you will disapprove or even the slightest mad or angery or bad from you and not what you see is ok and good then i shoundt do it and should not go out and be myslef but be what you see me has and shold be and do and anything outside this mold you have set for me is wrong.  I feel so traped by you cus if i do try to brake away you fuss and make me feel gualt and say i shouldnt do it and you are agiast it and should do this or that.

You aslo look at all the bad stuff when ever i come to you about anything. i chould come to you saying a won a millon bucks insted of saying yay congrts you would say think about the taxs you going to pay and save up and pay off your bills.

well idk relly what to say or how to say it, ever snice i was K all up to HS i was tesed and bedted up called names like fruit gay and wrorst well one day in middle school after gym went to take a shower few of the guys in the guys locker connered me in the shower and pushed me to the ground and started to pee and ejaculate on me then tryed to put a sex toy up my butt, after about 10 mins or so of this they beat up a bit then left. I layed there crying then got up washed off and went to the nurs office and played sick to go home.

[23:03] You: well i am not quite sure to talk about thou Lowri seemed to want me to talk to you.
[23:03] Skilly Infinity: Well, I can talk about anything you like.
[23:03] No room to sit here, try another spot.
[23:04] Hope McAlpine is Offline
[23:04] You: humm
[23:04] Skilly Infinity accepted your inventory offer.
[23:05] Skilly Infinity: Dunno why it’s not letting me sit back down lol
[23:05] You: i had a bit truble siting down to start with
[23:07] Skilly Infinity: reading…
[23:07] You: ok thats more or less my life story
[23:07] Skilly Infinity: Sounds rough.
[23:07] Skilly Infinity: I’m sorry you’ve been through so much pain and rejection. Nobody deserves that.
[23:08] You: yeah it seems my life been full of it
[23:08] Skilly Infinity: That’s for sure
[23:08] Skilly Infinity: It sounds like it’s been part of your whole family, too
[23:08] Skilly Infinity: So you’ve had not only your own pain but all that pain around you too
[23:09] Skilly Infinity: a heavy burden for anybody
[23:10] You: yeah now that you said that something that my mom told me not to long ago came to me well two things relly the frist thing is that she told me that when she found out that she had me that she was seeing a dr. to tie her tubes and was told that they cant do that cuse she was with child me.
[23:11] Skilly Infinity: so the message was that you were a mistake right from the start
[23:11] Skilly Infinity: your mother’s message to you
[23:12] You: yeah thou she doesnt hate me not waht i am trying to say. thou yeah.
[23:12] Skilly Infinity: no, not that she hates you, just the message you were given
[23:12] Skilly Infinity: it might not be the message she meant to give, but it’s what you heard
[23:13] Skilly Infinity: as anybody would who’d been told that
[23:13] You: yeah
[23:13] Skilly Infinity: let me give you a little bit of my history, just so you know who’s sitting here with you
[23:14] Skilly Infinity: I was planned, but my mom resented me from the start
[23:14] Skilly Infinity: I won’t go into all the details, but there were constant messages that I was a disappointment
[23:14] Skilly Infinity: and a nuisance and a bother
[23:14] Skilly Infinity: My dad used to make fun of me
[23:14] Skilly Infinity: and in school I was the outcast
[23:15] Skilly Infinity: and all the kids made fun of me
[23:15] Skilly Infinity: I didn’t have real friends until I went to college
[23:15] Skilly Infinity: I’ve been depressed most of my adult life and only recently found an anti-depressant that works for me
[23:15] Skilly Infinity: I’ve had a lot of healing, but it’s been slow
[23:16] Skilly Infinity: so when you talk about being ridiculed, I remember what it was like for me
[23:16] Skilly Infinity: and how much it hurt
[23:16] Skilly Infinity: and I know you’re hurting like that
[23:16] Skilly Infinity: I’d also like you to know that I see sexual orientation as complex
[23:16] Skilly Infinity: It seems to me that there’s a continuum
[23:16] Skilly Infinity: Same with sexual identity
[23:17] Skilly Infinity: Some people feel very feminine, some very masculine; most are somewhere in between
[23:17] Skilly Infinity: some are very gay and some are very straight, most are somewhere in between
[23:17] Skilly Infinity: only society wants to lump people into categories
[23:17] Skilly Infinity: and if you don’t fit well, it can be tough
[23:18] Skilly Infinity: as you are finding
[23:19] You: well about that i am more or less confused with things and mesg i was thought as a kid and now findign not to be 100% true and now i am more confused about thigs
[23:19] Skilly Infinity: sure
[23:19] You: i been doign a lot of thinking and i think it all started when i was 12 years old i got one of thoese jelly worm toys you see at the mall
[23:19] Skilly Infinity: yeah
[23:20] You: and about the 2nd day of haveing my mom came to me and siad to me its not a good toy to have cuse it feels the same as if someone or yourself is touching your pen. and so she took it away and told me that kidn of touching is worng
[23:20] Skilly Infinity: ouch
[23:21] Skilly Infinity: her issue, not yours, of course
[23:21] You: so then i kept that in mind so later going into Middle school when there was a dance a girl asked me to go to the dance i siad sure why not
[23:21] You: so i told my mom about it she told me no kissing cuse kissing leads to touching wich leads to sex
[23:21] Skilly Infinity: another awful message
[23:22] You: and sex out of web lock is worng and if you feel liek kissing a girl fee and dump her
[23:22] You: so i went back and siad i cant go to the dance
[23:22] Skilly Infinity: what terrible messages for a kid to grow up with
[23:23] You: so then in HS i was dateing girls that i felt nonethign for cuse i thought i was right and i was doign right till later on cuse about my last year of HS mom siad well dont date anyone that you cant see loveing and haveing kids with i am liek dont you have to have sex to have kids and thought you told me its worng
[23:24] You: she like well out of web lock yes
[23:24] Skilly Infinity: her rules are totally messed up
[23:24] Random Demina is Offline
[23:25] You: i am liek well you told me i cant feel anything for a girl sexual so how am i too feel haveing sex with my wife if i dont feel liek it and is it like some wand that after the wedding i will magilcy feel liek haveing sex with her and feel liek its ok
[23:25] Skilly Infinity: right
[23:25] Skilly Infinity: it seems pretty unlikely that it would happen that way
[23:26] You: so last few years i been trying to get in mind its ok and not sameful but i still have what i been thought as a kid in me so yeah
[23:26] Skilly Infinity: It takes a lot of time and work to break through those early messages, even when we know intellectually that they were wrong
[23:27] You: i mean up till i was 17 i didnt even know about sex and esp where things are tbh
[23:27] Skilly Infinity: wow
[23:27] You: i mean relly about sex
[23:27] Skilly Infinity: I was 15 when I learned and I thought that was way late
[23:27] Skilly Infinity: read it in a book at a friend’s hous
[23:28] Skilly Infinity: it was wrong that you weren’t taught
[23:28] You: ahh yeah it was at a friends house and they looked some thigns on the net i was like what is that and they perrty much had to tell me about sex
[23:28] Skilly Infinity: wow, how embarrassing for you
[23:29] You: yeah no kidding thou it was a a very good friend of mine and still is so he didnt made fun of me or anyhing he aksed me if i was jokeing i siad no then he talked with me
[23:30] Skilly Infinity: I’m glad he did, and that you had him to ask
[23:30] Skilly Infinity: but how sad that you weren’t told earlier
[23:30] Skilly Infinity: your parents weren’t doing their job
[23:30] Skilly Infinity: and it was wrong of your mom to tell you that sex was bad, or that it was wrong to touch yourself
[23:30] Skilly Infinity: or bad to kiss
[23:30] Skilly Infinity: or bad to date somebody you might not want to marry
[23:31] Skilly Infinity: she must be really messed up where sex is concerned
[23:32] Skilly Infinity: and it’s wrong that she dumped her messed up stuff on you
[23:32] You: well idk i think she was more or less tryong to proedted me if anyhting i know my bro and sis when they where young have had sex and both where lookign at haveign kids at a young age but never did i asked her few times she sat down with me and told me about my bro and sis about a year ago
[23:33] Skilly Infinity: but in trying to protect you she did you damage
[23:33] You: yeah
[23:33] Skilly Infinity: there’s such a big difference between having sexual feelings, and kissing, and touching yourself…
[23:33] Skilly Infinity: and being promiscuous
[23:34] Skilly Infinity: you can do all those other things and not be promiscuous
[23:34] Skilly Infinity: you can do those things and not have sex with lots of different people
[23:36] You: yeah i know this now thou like i siad i know it and trying to know it in my heart but still have left over from what i was thought as a kid so it hard, when i been talking with Lowri and thinking about all my life i feel like cuse of it, it has a link on why i am a bit conused about my gender and such.
[23:37] Skilly Infinity: of course it would be confusing to you
[23:37] Skilly Infinity: and get you all mixed up about sex and sexuality
[23:37] Skilly Infinity: It will take time for you to learn to be comfortable with your own body
[23:37] Skilly Infinity: and your own sexuality
[23:38] Skilly Infinity: much less figure out what sexuality is truly yours and what’s the result of what’s happened to you
[23:38] You: yeah
[23:38] You: was that a frog?
[23:39] Skilly Infinity: Probably so smile.gif
[23:39] Skilly Infinity: I have a few sounds out there
[23:39] Skilly Infinity: some for day and some for night
[23:39] You: ahh cool
[23:39] Skilly Infinity: I’ve had fun with it
[23:39] You: hehe
[23:39] Skilly Infinity: I am so glad the strap broke
[23:40] Skilly Infinity: I think that you are a beautiful person inside
[23:40] Skilly Infinity: bad things have happened to you, and you’ve been given some truly terrible messages about sex and sexuality
[23:40] Skilly Infinity: but you are not the bad things that happened
[23:40] Skilly Infinity: and you are not the messages
[23:40] Skilly Infinity: And I know from my own experience that healing is possible.
[23:41] You: yeah i am trying to find some in RL jsut not only in SL but atm SL is all i can do till i find some RL help
[23:42] Skilly Infinity: I hope you can find RL help; I will be praying that you do
[23:42] Skilly Infinity: You need people who can love you and accept you just as you are
[23:42] Skilly Infinity: and keep loving you and accepting you while you work through all the pain
[23:42] Skilly Infinity: and come to discover who you are yourself
[23:43] Skilly Infinity: as a sexual, spiritual, physical, emotional, fully human person
[23:43] Skilly Infinity: not as somebody else said you ought to be or should have been
[23:44] You: thats what i felt liek i had to do in life up till this year is be what my mom wants me to be and see me as, well cuse she’s my mom.
[23:44] Skilly Infinity: no, your job is to be you
[23:44] Skilly Infinity: If God wanted you to be your mom, God would have cloned your mom
[23:44] Skilly Infinity: God made you yourself
[23:45] Skilly Infinity: to be yourself
[23:46] You: yeah i know i am to be me but tbh i dont relyl know who i am cuse all i know all my life is to try my best to fit the mold that i felt that my mom would want me to be. so now i feel at a lost and feel lost about who i am and more or less a shell of a person now.
[23:46] Skilly Infinity: you haven’t learned yet how to see the real you
[23:47] Skilly Infinity: because you can’t see the real you, it feels like the real you isn’t there
[23:47] You: yeah
[23:47] Skilly Infinity: it will take time to learn to see
[23:47] Skilly Infinity: but a shell of a person couldn’t be asking the questions you’re asking,
[23:47] Skilly Infinity: or feeling the pain you feel
[23:48] Skilly Infinity: or needing the care you need
[23:48] You: i gusse so
[23:49] Skilly Infinity: Oh, I know so
[23:49] Skilly Infinity: Also, that empty feeling can be related to the depression
[23:49] Skilly Infinity: And you have lots of reason to be depressed
[23:49] Skilly Infinity: legitimate reasons
[23:50] You: yeah i am even Lowri ( who is a coluler) and many have told me that i am very much depress.
[23:50] Skilly Infinity: and no wonder
[23:50] Skilly Infinity: I do hope and pray you find somebody soon who can treat your depression
[23:51] You: ty
[23:51] Skilly Infinity: it took a long time for me to find the right meds, but when i did it was like the lights came on for the first time ever in my life
[23:51] Skilly Infinity: it didn’t make the pain go away but it gave me strength to deal with all the other issues
[23:53] You: yeah been told that meds dont make it go away or the depression it jsut helps it so you can take care of things in life and to help keep it under toneed egough so you dont spen all day in bed
[23:53] Skilly Infinity: yes, that’s how it’s been for me
[23:53] Skilly Infinity: I’m not depressed any more, but the problems didn’t go away
[23:53] Skilly Infinity: I still had to deal with them too
[23:54] Skilly Infinity: I think depression is kind of like what happens with a gas tank
[23:54] Skilly Infinity: you know depression is a shortage of certain neurochemicals
[23:54] Skilly Infinity: well, some people have small gas tanks
[23:54] Skilly Infinity: and run out of gas really easily
[23:54] Skilly Infinity: they get depressed easily
[23:54] Skilly Infinity: but some of us have normal gas tanks
[23:55] Skilly Infinity: only we’re having to pull heavy loads up steep hills, and it really uses up our gas
[23:55] Skilly Infinity: fast
[23:55] Skilly Infinity: and we can’t make it between gas stations like others can
[23:55] Skilly Infinity: so we need an extra supply
[23:55] Skilly Infinity: that’s what the antidepressants do
[23:55] Skilly Infinity: they don’t take away the load
[23:55] Skilly Infinity: therapy can help with that part
[23:56] You: yeah
[23:56] Skilly Infinity: meanwhile, I’m glad you have SL
[23:56] You: yeah its been very helpful to esp talking with Lowri
[23:56] Skilly Infinity: she’s great, isn’t she?
[23:56] You: yeah
[23:57] Skilly Infinity: it must be hard to know how to relate to God through all this
[23:57] You: yes i was talking with Lowri jsut about that last nite matter of fact
[23:58] You: hwo i feel so lost with God atm and dont even know how to get back on track wth my depression and some other things in my life going on
[23:58] Skilly Infinity: is it hard to believe that God loves you? hard to feel loved by God?
[23:59] You: i mean about 3 years ago i was on the raod to be a UMC pastor but look at me now i feel at a lost and dont knwo how to get back with God
[23:59] You: well atm yes it is
[0:00] You: even thou i know he loves me its hard to feel that he does
[0:00] Skilly Infinity: and that only makes the pain worse
[0:00] Skilly Infinity: that just when you need God the most, God feels far away
[0:00] You: yeah
[0:01] Skilly Infinity: sometimes when that happens you need to let other people be God’s stand-ins for a while
[0:01] Skilly Infinity: let God love you and welcome you through other people
[0:01] Skilly Infinity: like Lowri
[0:02] You: yeah
[0:02] JennaRae DeCuir is Offline
[0:02] Skilly Infinity: My own theory is that sometimes the images we’ve had of God become too limited
[0:03] Skilly Infinity: when that happens, we lose the sense of God we used to have
[0:03] Skilly Infinity: and it takes a while before we’re able to recognize God again
[0:03] Skilly Infinity: because we keep looking for the old image and it’s gone
[0:04] Skilly Infinity: some people have called that the dark night of the soul
[0:04] Skilly Infinity: I can’t speak for others, of course,
[0:04] Skilly Infinity: but for me it usually means that before long I’ll have a new way of experiencing God
[0:04] Skilly Infinity: that’s better than before
[0:04] Skilly Infinity: but the in between is the pits
[0:07] IM: Lowri Mills: good stuff Ducky
[0:07] You: yeah something that i been told by lots of ppl even the DS when iw as on teh road to be a UMC pastor is that eeveryong feels that God has huge plans for me and for God, is why my life is so rough cuse Stanta wants to stop it at any cost the DS told me one time talking one one that he has never hread of such pain or such a rough life before he seena nd herd lots of things and lots bitterness and bad thigns happen to ppl.
[0:08] IM: Lowri Mills: nice work
[0:08] Skilly Infinity: I don’t really know why such bad things happen to anybody
[0:08] Skilly Infinity: I know you deserve better
[0:09] IM: Lowri Mills: I am glad
[0:09] Skilly Infinity: Do you remember the story of the paralyzed man that was lowered through the roof for Jesus to heal?
[0:09] You: yeah
[0:09] Skilly Infinity: he couldn’t get there on his own, so his friends carried him
[0:09] You: he got saved cuse of his friends love
[0:09] Skilly Infinity: Yes
[0:10] Skilly Infinity: when you’re hurting the way you’re hurting now, maybe it’s time to let other people carry you before God for a while
[0:10] Skilly Infinity: let them hold you in love
[0:10] Skilly Infinity: and care
[0:11] You: you know i have this dream i have it a lot evenry snice iw as a kid that I in batte with Gods army and i fall down and am help up by others and as am bing helped up by others i am grading few others that i can pick up as well.
[0:12] Skilly Infinity: We can keep the faith for you when you can’t hold on to it yourself
[0:12] Skilly Infinity: and someday you will be the one picking up others
[0:12] Skilly Infinity: and holding on for them
[0:13] Skilly Infinity: I feel love and affection for you, and I know it’s God’s love working in me that gives me that love and affection
[0:13] Skilly Infinity: So if you can’t feel God’s love directly, maybe I can be a small part of holding you in it
[0:13] Skilly Infinity: through my love
[0:13] Skilly Infinity: and Lowri is another part
[0:14] Skilly Infinity: I fully believe that in time you will come to feel it for yourself
[0:15] You: brb going to step out for a smoke and to think about some of stuff that you siad i should be back in a few mins. i will not be long
[0:15] Skilly Infinity: k
[0:15] Skilly Infinity: that’s fine
[0:15] Skilly Infinity: I can stay on for about another 45 minutes
[0:15] Skilly Infinity: then I’ll need to get to bed
[0:15] You: ok
[0:22] You: back do you mind if i make a copy of this con so far and share it with Lowri there few things that i would liek to share with her that came out of this convo that may help her better help me
[0:22] Skilly Infinity: not at all, it’s fine with me
[0:22] You: ok
[0:23] You: wanted to make sure its ok with you cuse its in ToS that you have to ask ppl and i liek to ask if its ok to share what is siad in a one on one talk liek this to others
[0:24] Skilly Infinity: It’s good that you ask, but it’s fine with me
[0:24] Skilly Infinity: I want what is helpful to you

tbh i think she is homefobic cus there been a few times where i heard what she has siad the frist time i noted it was when we lived in FL and was in the Dr. and ppl next room where gay and whisper to me you know the ppl next room are gay and you know about them and that life staye.. back in my head i am liek so how does that hurt me and why should i care what they do

and a other time was at the chruch parking lot when one of the youth was talkign about one of his fmaily memebers who is female loveing a other femanle well she said well you know she livieng in sin by loveing a other female

i been thinking about it more and more and been getting more upset about this topic i been trying to put how i feel in words. If i chould wave a wand or prush a button and i would be a gilr and the whole world would see me has a woman and not knowing that i was a male i would do it. I feel right when i am called she and seen has a female. I get upset inside when i am the store and i see nial posh and make up and would like to use then abuy them but have no money nad mom will not buy anything female realted for me. I feel like i am acting and hideing who i am and cageing who i am when i have to put a male frount and haveing to act like how ppl would see a 21 year old male from the south. It is getting hard and harder for me to hide who i am and keep it caged with in and hidend form everyone and mainly myslef. I am sraced what i and other think if i just let go and be myslef and how i feel inside.

do not talk to me about anything i have siad for atelst 2 days this is all i ask

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yay i got done all the school work i needed to do for the week. only have one more work meeting left and i am done for the week. Tonite i can sit back and relax feels odd, seeing i been going more or less non stop all week. To think I get to start this all over starting on Monday yay what joy. I gusses i would rather be busy then doing nonething at all. lol funny thing is i just thought is i am to busy to be down or feel bad about myself.

“That’s the effect of living backwards,”

Through The Looking-Glass – Lewis Carroll

Well something i wanted to talk about is my time playing SL. I play a kid on sl most of the time. I do this for few resons. One of them is if i make a typeo it is looked pasted on and no one tells me that i made one and it does make me look bad. A other reons is i feel more safe and more rexaled when i am playing a kid. I do have an family on SL they have become very much of my life. To me they are part of my family in real life has well. I see my SL mom has a 2nd mom in RL. Aslo have become very close to my anuts, Lowri and Faye. If was not for Lowri Lord knows where i would be in life. For one i would not have the job have now. I am very grateful for everyone i have meet and have become friends with in SL. I do not know what i do will do with out them in my life.

I have thought about others i have meet in my life time and what impack i have made on them and what would thire life would be if i did not meet them. I like to think that i have helped others and there are some ppl out there that feel very close to me and i have helped them make a better life for themselfs. I do not know if this is a selfish thing to think about or wnat to think that is true. I think we all like to think that we have helped someone out there like others have helped us. It is a way to repay others who have helped us in the past to help others that come to us seek our help and ear to talk to. I wonder what would life be if we are half the ppl that we look up to. How would the world be a better place. I wise i chould see the effect each perons has made on someone and then the effect that one perons has on otheres. It would be one big ripple on the this big pound we called the world.

its odd but the best thinking place i found is in the bathroom. I do not know what it is about the bathroom that jsut lets me stop and think. I come up with good stuff while i am in the bathroom esp. if i am takeing a bath. But, can i take the iedas i have in the bathroom and put them into action or writne them down afterowrds. Nope for some odd reosns i can not recall them or do not think to write them down to put them into action once i get out the bath. I gusse jsut thinking about them helps me clam down and get them out of my sytem . Is the main reoens i start to write on this blog is to let stuff out and if i help anyone while i am doign that then well that is just iceing on the cake.

May 2018
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